Sichernde Seele

I just finished reading the Anthony Kiedis book "Scar Tissue".  I'm kind of in awe and in an interesting head space about it. 

You see, for years, the Chili Peppers' music has been on some bizarre collision course with my life.  Not that it was a soundtrack (though there were some songs that fit well), but it seemed like the release of their albums always coincided with some MASSIVE event in my life. 

1991 was "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" which went right along with my teen pregnancy and choice to place my son for adoption.

1995 came along with "One Hot Minute" and Mason, tattoos, piercings and one of the best things to ever happen to me: Morgan. 

1999 I was working at AOL and having a personal breakdown of the slowest and most painful kind.  This was the year that "Californication" was released.

2002 found Nate and I finally getting married after years of tearing each other up and the endless cycle of make-up/break-up seemed to come to an end.  The truce was short lived. Oddly enough, that year "By The Way" was released.  What an apt title.

2004 is the copyright date on "Scar Tissue".  That was the year I uprooted my life, my marriage and ran off headlong into independence. 

2006 was a great release of "Stadium Arcadium".  That was also the year I moved to Germany and met Kris.  It was a very "Army" year and this actually proved to be my very favorite of the Chili Pepper albums. 

So I'm reading this memoir that centers very much around Kiedis' addictions.  It's very raw and honest and candid.  It's also got a lot of love. 

I never did anything quite that intense.  I've never shot dope and I'm damn glad I didn't.  I think I found out early on in life that I had an addictive personality.  One doesn't have to ingest the most toxic of substances to have addictions. 

I've found myself over many years addicted to love, people, loneliness, peace, drama, nicotine, excellence, laziness and a whole list of things that are both good and bad for me. 

What I found the most profound was that through all the haze of drugs and rock & roll...you can still see the love Anthony Kiedis has for his band mates (past and present), his family, his past loves and even life. 

We're all on a path.  Sometimes that path twists and turns in odd ways.  Some for good and some for bad.  Some just loop right back around on you and you have to stop and ponder how you got there. 

In the end, no matter what path we end up on...if we move and breathe with love, it gets passed on.  It is infectious.  Not just romantic love, but true and honest love of life and the players in it. 

Thank you, Anthony, for sharing that vibe of caring.  Even when we don't take the best care of ourselves, there is something in the souls of some people that will always seek to love.  Even if it is an addiction. 

The most recent in a disturbing string of events has finally burned my ass enough to get wordy about it.  On the table before you are free speech, social media & judgment. 

In the last 3 months, I've gotten:

• 2 public comments
• 3 private messages
• 1 phone conversation
• 1 un-friending
  

All of these were a result of FaceBook status updates.  No, I'm not kidding.  Yes, I am disturbed. 

All but one of these events occurred for a common reason.  Anyone want to take a stab at it?  Was it my language?  Was it me being a jerk?  Inappropriate subject matter? 

None of the above.  It was all because of my dog.  "LOKI!  Stop being so offensive!!!  I mean, c'mon!!!"  Are you baffled yet?  Perhaps you aren't.  Perhaps you share the opinion of the 6 people that actually said something. 

The general opinion was that I post more about my dog than I do my family & friends.  Now, I didn't go back and count status updates and tally them up (perhaps I should), but I'd venture to guess that's probably a fairly accurate assessment.  So, without an actual count, I'd err on the side that this is possibly a factual statement.  Now, why am I up in arms about it? 

First and foremost - Don't judge me.  I mean, you can if you really want to, but it is not really a productive use of anyone's time.  I like me.  A lot.  I'm awesome.  In the end, I'm the only person in the world who HAS to live with me.  I am the only one who cannot possibly walk away. 

Secondly, the very tiny glimpse any of us can get from an online network, photos, blogs, MMORPGs, public profiles and forums is not enough to give anyone a fully open windowed view of a human being.  While some of us (myself included) put a lot of information out there for the world to see, it is still just blurbs.  My online persona is a culmination of only what I put out there.  That doesn't in any way, shape or form compute to being all of me. 

Interestingly enough, there are a total of 3 people on my FaceBook friends list that I have not met in the "real world".  Not ONE of those 3 people questioned my status updates.  Now, I will say that many of the people on my list are people that I haven't seen in 10 years or more.  Some of them since elementary school.  So, yeah, they don't really know the adult me.  BUT...are you ready for this?  Nope, all the people who said something have known me within the last 10 years. 

However, the point still stands on the very solid basis of none of them live with me.  If you do not, or have not (in the last 5 years) lived with me, why would you assume to really know my motivations, emotions, thoughts or feelings?? 

Before I move on to the next point, I'll clear up the reason for those wondering. 

Q: Holly, why do you say so much about your dog and not your kids, husband, parents, brother, sisters or friends???

A: Well, Internet, there are several answers to that question.  The top of the list is just basic math.

1. I spend the most hours with my dog.

My children are in school.  It's pretty close to 8 hours of the day JUST for that.  Then there's after school.  Morgan is a very busy bee.  She babysits, attends various activities at the youth center, does theater and tries to fit a social life into that somewhere.

Max is not a couch potato.  The first thing he asks when he walks in the door is "How was your day?"...the second thing he asks is "Can I go outside?"  He doesn't mind the snow or the rain or the sun or...well...anything.  If the weather is just really intolerable, he may invite some friends over or watch TV.  Don't get me wrong, he loves movies and video games, but he really is an active kid.  I totally support this lifestyle. 

I am in school.  There are times of the day the kids are here and I am not.  I have class.  We try to compensate by carving out some time during the week to pile up and watch a movie or go do something.  Most of our activities include the dog. 

My husband is gone.  A lot.  In 4 years, we've spent more time apart than together.  I don't bitch about it because it's a life we've willingly chosen.  Sure, I miss him.  Mostly when good stuff happens and I can't gush about it until 5 days later when the phone rings and it's a crappy connection.  So it shouldn't come as a big shock that what little time we do have together is fairly private. 

2. Personal Boundaries.

There are a lot of awesome moments I share with my kids.  They amaze me on a daily basis.  I just don't think I need to share every time I'm blown away by the fact that my daughter talks to me.  We have some damn good communication going for a busy mom and teenage girl.  She is insightful well beyond her (almost 15) years.  I'm not going to blow that by blurting out "Hey!  Internet!!!  Guess what Morgan just told me???" 

If you take a minute to look back through the archives of my blog here, you'll find many a post about the kids.  All of them, aside from the letters, had a permission request before they were written. 

3. Do dishes and laundry turn you on? 

When I'm at the computer and, consequently, updating FaceBook, chances are I am having some sort of interaction with my dog.  He stays pretty close to me when I'm home.  Therefore, he's a pretty static fixture. 

I suppose I could update you on the state of my laundry or the 3 dishes I just washed from breakfast...but, well, I don't really find that interesting. 

My status updates are typically based on what I find interesting, anecdotal, obnoxious or brilliant.  Sometimes, as with Loki's recent surgery, I update because I'm sitting here all by myself and in lieu of having a human to speak to, it gives me some comfort.  I was stressed.  I was having little bursts of "Oh crap" mixed with "And how am I supposed to...?" and had not a soul to express that to.  I'm not going to pick up the phone every 5 minutes to call home when I have another "OH!" moment.  Instead, I post a status and in many cases, get some really interesting feedback from more than one person.  I think that's pretty damn cool. 

Now, to get back to the concept of "status updates" and free speech and such. 

Here's this massive online community.  I think it's a great tool for people like me who has trouble remembering to call home regularly, much less keeping up with all the many people who have a place in my heart.  From old school chums to friends of friends and other gamer geeks I've met over the years, I could not possibly pick up the phone and keep up with them on even a yearly basis.  I'm just not that organized.  Ask the 30 or so address books that get bought, misplaced, forgotten about, etc.  I love my wake-up ritual in the morning.  I sit down, get my caffeine fix and see how folks are doing. 

There are updates about major life events, fleeting thoughts, artistic expression, rants on life, sharing of music, daily moods, sports scores, movie critiques and...OH LOOK!!!  Cats, dogs, rats, snakes, fish...

Your status is YOUR status.  It's what is on YOUR mind.  You have the freedom of speech.  I ADORE watching all of you use it.  Of course I don't agree with everything everyone says.  I am a flaming liberal with some very conservative friends & family.  While I may not share your opinion, I respect that you have an opinion.  

Here's where that last person comes up.  The "de-friender".  It was several days before I noticed it, but I noticed that a mutual friend wasn't listed one day while reading someone's wall.  I'd been dumped.  OH NOES!  Of course I was curious as to why and went to her profile. 

Several days before that, I had been having a day.  Because of the large amount of family & kids that are on my list, I really do try to keep a handle on my mouth.  Everyone knows it's pretty, uhm, colorful.  Over the years, I've at least tamed it to know when to clean itself.   That day, the filter was off.  Twice in a 24 hour period, I'd dropped the f-bomb.  Clearly, the year without it didn't make a difference.  I was removed and ranted about. 

I thought about talking to her about it and came to the conclusion that it really didn't mean enough to me to do so.  In fact, knowing the person, I found it severely hypocritical and thought it just a better outcome to leave it as it was. 

Honestly, that's probably the best answer.  If your personal judgment of me is unpleasing to you, don't be friends with me. I don't aim to offend, but if I do, why would you rather make negative assumptions and launch them at me than to simply not interact with me?  I'm all for a healthy debate.  If your opinion is different than mine, I have no problem hearing it.  But the little flashes of my life you get from cyberspace is not all there is to me. 

I'm honestly not sure what is happening, and I couldn't tell you how I feel about it.  Some things are suddenly awakening and it's all a little strange and surreal.  Over the last 18 years or so, I've gone from needing to be surrounded with people to someone who can only tolerate interaction in little bursts.  Over the last 2 years, it became a zero tolerance for interaction and irritation at being disturbed by anyone, anytime.  There are many factors as to the whys and wherefores, but they aren't really important. 

In the last few months I've reconnected with some old friends, started school and started to regain some of the void that has been ever present since Afghanistan.  School has renewed my passion for learning and living and creating.  Time constraints and geographical obstacles became completely apparent over the last few days as I found myself longing to be surrounded by the very people that always made those things so tangible. 

Since I can't sit down in a noisy cafe' or a living room of mis-matched couches with 4 or 5 of my friends and discuss the intricacies of life, love, art and the human condition - I found myself extremely homesick.  The last time I felt this particular brand of heartbreak was a lifetime ago.  Tonight I am overwhelmingly heartsick and frustrated with this. 

Ever the one to see the silver lining, all of this led me to sit down and, without having to even think, the words began to flow. 

I recall a time I couldn't be alone
My heart and soul crying out, unheard
"Please don't go...don't leave me here!"
A thought I couldn't bear
To be left in silence with a mind run rampant
Was certain hell of immeasurable depth
Uncertain when I crossed the line
Became solitary and confined
My own citadel, constructed slowly
Necessity?  Desire?  Exhaustion?  
My tolerance grew low
A distaste for interaction
How did I lose my lust for companionship
Conversation and unfinished thoughts?
The echos of life in that lost cafe'
When the complexities of thought and art were thirsted after
Like a hunger, gripping and growling and growing
Reveling in all our chaos ridden days
Now sitting in the still of night
A sudden mourning fills my chest
Asleep for years and perhaps thought gone
The long lost yearning roars inside
An unexpected tugging at my heart
Not love nor touch nor mate I crave
But to wax poetic and watch creations spring out from the void
To ponder the world and all their dreamings
Absurdity springing forth from a guitar
I've run so far from that life I knew
Chaos imbued, enlightenment shadowed with fear
Plato, Aristotle and Socrates alive in new found minds
We were our own philosophers
Writing the stories of our days
Bringing imagery to life upon a page
Singing the notes that split us in two and healed us all the same
And here I sit tonight
Upon a lonely chair in a prison I built stone by stone
Walls crumbling, fast, too fast to bear
An unforgiving beast cries out to be fed
Powerless, I watch it writhe and wretch
Sick with grief, along my ruined path
If only I could bring my muses here to me tonight
To talk and play and create
Let the sun chase us away to sleep

Sichernde Seele
9 April 2010

These last few months have been interesting.  Good, bad or indifferent - Life has been happening all around me.  And for the first time in over 2 years, I'm starting to notice it again. 

Call it whatever you like.  Label it or don't.  But something in me broke while I was in Afghanistan.  For a person who has always been passionate and emotionally invested in everything that matters to me, to suddenly just be completely numb was unsettling. 

To be honest, I didn't really notice at first.  It started while I was home on R&R and I began having nightmares.  When I got back to the 'Stan, I explored some medication options so I could sleep without waking up to find I'd scratched myself bloody in my sleep.  But I honestly don't know when the real shift occurred.  It's one of those hindsight things that you realize what was happening way later in the game. 

At some point, I stopped listening to music.  I wasn't writing.  I came home and had no desire to talk to anyone or do much of anything.  One night, Kris and I were talking about it and he said "You just have to find your switch.  You switch off at some point.  It's normal.  Your first time, it can take a while to find the ON switch again.  It'll be okay, baby." 

I breezed right through my wedding day on auto-pilot.  Sure, I was happy.  But I wasn't passionate.  About anything.  At all. 

I thought maybe getting out of the Army was going to help a little.  It didn't.  At some point, I kind of made peace with the fact that I had just lost an essential part of me and I wasn't going to find it again.  I mean, you have to adapt, right?? 

Over the last month or so, I've been doing some self-exploration.  Something I hadn't done in a very, very long time.  I also started taking ADHD Meds.  (Concerta).  I was starting back to school and I wanted to explore a theory.  The doc said "But these symptoms that are common with ADHD are also symptoms of anxiety/depression."  *sigh*  I told him I'd tried a decent handful of anxiety/depression meds and never got any sort of results from them.  So if he wouldn't mind, I wanted to try this route and if it didn't work, then we could explore other options. 

I'm not saying there is a magic pill for everything.  There isn't.  But somehow, things started coming back.  Emotion.  Passion.  The absolute drive to write & play music.  The things that I love.  Whatever part of my brain I had closed off returned to life with a great & unabashed fervor! 

In the course of all of this, there have been some other major life events.  Madison has gone to stay with his Aunt & Uncle.  This was not an easy choice, but one that I think is right for all of us. 

Morgan's biological father came into her life.  I remember meeting my birth mom.  For those of us that are thinkers and dreamers and lovers of life - it is important to know where you come from.  It doesn't mean you love the people who raised you any less. 

I know when I was growing up, my Mom & I didn't have much in common.  And I always wondered "Why am I this way???"  I was 22 when I met my birth mother.  I call her Mom.  I have enough room for both my biology & my childhood experience.  So does Morgan. 

Morgan is a talented kid.  She's brilliant and funny and beautiful and never afraid to be an individual.  I'm glad she can now see how she comes by that so very strongly.  If she wasn't all of those things, I'd have to wonder about genetics.  Because she really did inherit the best of both sides. 

Max's best friend moved away.  Then his brother left.  He's never been good with change and I think this month has been extremely rough on him.  Though he rarely shows emotion and has an extremely hard time expressing his innermost feelings, tonight he sat in my lap and cried.  We talked about things a little.  Then he asked for the Magic Mommy Cure.  "Sing Puff for me, Mommy?"

 I had someone share a quote with me recently that I think is outstanding.  "If you've met one Aspie...You've met one Aspie!"  There will never be a handbook that will completely cover all aspects for every person.  All we can do is get through each moment and try to minimize the obstacles. 

In two days, I turn 35.  I've seen a lot, done a lot and still feel like I have a lot yet to come in my life.  I don't feel old.  I'm actually planning to celebrate the 35 years of up, down & sideways that has been my life.  It's been one hell of a ride so far!!!  I have a funny feeling the best is yet to come. 

I don't know how I let this thing get away from me...

I had planned more Holiday Entries, but with all the driving we were doing back and forth and then getting home and trying to get back into the swing of life over here...I totally lost track of time. 

So, let's just skip me trying to remember stuff and live in the now, shall we? 

I had the extreme pleasure of celebrating an early Christmas with my Other Family. 

My Brother From Another Mother - Logan, my niece - Cassie & nephew - Walt. 

This year, with things being what they are, I had the great fortune to be reconnected with a very old friend.  His class at church titled "Come As You Are" were looking to spread a little Christmas Cheer. 

I knew just the family that could use some! 

It was absolutely outstanding to see the kids' faces light up as they opened their gifts. 

I spent at least a couple of hours surrounded by family, old friends, new friends & happy faces. 

From Charleston, we made our way to Baton Rouge on the 18th.  By the time we arrived in the wee hours of the 19th, I was ready to drop.  I managed to get a few hours of sleep, but I knew I needed to wake up relatively early. 

After a visit with my niece & nephew with everyone, I dropped the boys back at the grandparents and decided to completely and totally veg out in quiet while Logan & The Girls went to church.  After some very complicated "Cat Math", I lay down for a VERY long winter's nap.

Shortly after all this furry math, I receive a phone call that Max's ear is hurting.  I ask the vital medical questions.  There is no fever.  I am told he was given Tylenol.  I advise some Ibuprofen and a decongestant.  Turns out, he was given Tylenol Cold & Flu that contains a decongestant.  The beginning of the phone call was fairly panicked and included "You must come right away!!!"  I wasn't able to leave right then and requested to be kept apprised of the situation should anything change. 

After years in the medical field, there is a large difference between an emergency and discomfort.  Though I never wish for my children to be uncomfortable, I refuse to rush off to the emergency room for what was likely a result of him having flown with a minor cold.  15 minutes or so later, I'm informed "I'm fine now, Mommy.  I burped and it stopped hurting."

The next day, I discovered quite a bit of blood on his pillow and realized that his TM had likely burst.  Max spent the next several days in no discomfort but with a very noticeable drainage from his ear.  He stated he had some muffled sound in that ear.  Very classic signs of a ruptured eardrum.  I called the doctor and was told what I was already fairly certain of.  Not much to do but keep it clean, avoid water in the ear and keep checking on his hearing. 

We will have him checked out and cleared for flight before our return to Germany. 

He currently reports complete return of hearing, no more drainage, but I'm still concerned a bit by the spots/sores around his outer ear.  I'm not sure if they were brought on by itching while the ear was draining, if the itching/sores are PART of the problem or a combination of the two.  We'll find out when he goes to the doctor.  In the meantime, he seems to be on the mend.   




Coming soon...A short reprieve...

 

 

Over the weekend before we left Germany, I got some sort of a bite on my left heel.  It was far too cold for mosquitoes, but it resembled a mosquito bite. 

The day before we left, this started to develop into a rash.  The rash spread up my legs.  I started to wonder if there had been a change to the formula of my detergent. 

By the time we got to Charleston, I was a wreck.  The rash was now on my arms and legs.  I was convinced it was something horrible.  I'd dealt with "worst case scenario" before and was in a panic.  I launched an all out offensive. 

I went to the Doc-In-The-Box in Charleston.  Without actually doing any tests or really looking at it for more than a few seconds, he confirmed my fears and gave me a prescription.  However, he only gave me enough for myself.  If it was what I feared, then I needed enough for the whole family. 

I spent my entire time in Charleston panicky, upset and with a very decided lack of enjoyment.  I'm sure I was making everyone nuts.  But, hey.  If you're gonna go down, why not take the whole world with ya?  (KIDDING!)

The good news was that the medication did NOTHING for the rash.  Meaning...the "OHMYGOD WORST CASE SCENARIO ALERT!!!!" was completely unfounded.  Yes, I still had a rash, but now instead of being panicked over it, I got to do what I do well and figure out this little puzzle. 

I found out that they did, indeed, change my detergent.  I also suspect that when they worked on the pipes in my building in Bamberg, they may have contaminated the water.  I found a few large bits of some sort of metal impaled in my jeans that were bothering me the worst. 

I changed my detergent and all was right with the world again.  I have some scarring, but it is minor and I think it shall surely go away eventually.  The majority of the scars?  On my poor brain. 

Not all the mental scarring is due to the rash, mind you.  But that's for the next story...

Though I was excited about the gifts I had gotten for the kids this year, I was extremely lacking in the Holiday Spirit.  I'd jokingly told someone that my Christmas Elves were too busy getting drunk to visit and share the cheer.  I think that managed to anger the Gods and they spent their holidays uproariously guffawing at my Epic Screw-Ups Challenges Comedy of Errors!!!